The moment I knew he was on his way into this world I had the ominous feeling that he would never know us, his grandparents. I was unable to attend his birth for several reasons that were logical enough for most rational human beings to accept. But we were not dealing with rational beings. And so a grudge was born, along with our grandson. A dark, ugly grudge that reached out to wound us, insult us, and drain us - emotionally, physically and financially.
Finally the court granted us the privilege of meeting our grandson last September, 14 months after his birth. He looked exactly as I thought he would – curly blonde hair, big, soulful brown eyes; an energetic, electric personality like a real life Pikachu with a lightning temper to match. The moment he saw us he smiled as though he’d always known us (especially his father, who hadn’t seen him since he was one month old). We only had 3 hours with him but I can honestly say those were 3 of the happiest hours of my life.
Once visitation was set, my son and husband went up twice a month to see the baby. I get horrendous car sickness and wasn’t included in the visit schedule for that reason. But finally, he was allowed to visit us in our own house for the Thanksgiving Day weekend. He was a little sunshine boy; a delightful bundle of energy whirling through the rooms. He made it truly a time for giving thanks. I’m not a healthy person so keeping up with him was painful and exhausting but I thoroughly enjoyed every second of it.
I felt as though the whole experience was a dream. Maybe it was. We haven’t seen him since November, except in a couple of photos on Facebook. But I think about him and his father every day (our son married the boy’s mom and moved in with her family, the holders of the before mentioned grudge, in another state.)
It’s difficult to function, not knowing how they are or what they’re doing. I keep my mind busy with my work when I’m able. Or I distract myself with classic films or whatever. But sometimes pain runs so deep it scars your very soul. This is that kind of pain.