Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Wolf's Rain

My favorite anime series is called Wolf's Rain - it's romantic, dramatic, fantastic, wonderful, beautiful, sad, funny, dreamy - in other words, it has what a great anime series should have - life. Some people gripe about the ending and I suppose it could be better but I don't think it ruins the series. You can make of it what you will. I choose to believe there is hope afterwards. It's the optimist in me:)

Here are two more songs from Wolf's Rain: Heaven's Not Enough and Gravity. The music is part of the charm of this series. If you're in a sad mood these songs can make you cry. Just thought I'd warn you.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

It Exists

Do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swamps of
the approximate, the not-quite,
the not-yet, the not-at-all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish,
in lonely frustration for the life you deserved,
but have never been able to reach.
Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won.
It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

~Ayn Rand


I used to watch a show on HGTV called Cash and Cari that at the time seemed very entertaining. Cari conducts estate sales for the dead person's relatives, taking a nice percentage of the profit. She is also a great believer in recycling and re-purposing, which I love. I enjoyed seeing all the treasures people had in their houses and knowing others were buying them and would be taking care of them.

But now that my mom is gone I have a totally different perspective on the situation. Apparently, she left no legal will so everything has to be sold and divided among the four kids. I realize there is no other choice - it's the law. But it makes me feel creepy to know strangers will be entering her house and picking through her things. She was a very private person. (As am I.) I think she'd be horrified at this turn of events.

She had a lot of antiques and collectibles. I'm sure someone will appreciate them. And I guess it's good that they won't just end up in some family member's storage shed. But it still doesn't seem right somehow.

I think the lesson to be learned here is to make sure you have a legal will that states exactly who gets what. And to make that will while you are still considered to be of sound mind. It isn't enough to express your wishes to loved ones. You have to be certain your intentions are crystal clear to everyone who is legally involved.

Saturday, April 11, 2015


Have you ever had a dream so out there, so outrageous and impossible, that it seemed useless to even start going for it?

Sometimes I think what I want to do and what I actually can do are eons apart! But should that stop me from trying? They say "The heart wants what the heart wants." And that's supposed to explain everything. And just maybe - it does.

Excuse me for being cryptic on a sunny spring day. I should be outside, enjoying the weather.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Heroes & Villains

I've always been an action movie fan. Westerns, sci-fi, whatever. When I'd get home from a family trip to the drive-in as a child I'd imagine myself as the hero of the flick - Clint Eastwood took no crap from anybody. I yearned to be that strong.

As I grew up I found that while I had a sound mind and a fierce spirit my body - my bad genes, maybe? - failed me time and time again. The breakdowns, the panic attacks, vertigo, hives, a hiatal hernia - anything physical that appeared from stress - you name it - I've had it! And once I left school I imprisoned myself in the upstairs of my parents' house - became a recluse - to hide the miseries my puny body inflicted upon me.

After I met and married my husband (he was my sister's boyfriend's uncle) the symptoms went away for awhile. I was too busy raising three kids to give in to them, I reckon. Until circumstances arose that tore at my reason and confused my heart. We marry for better or worse, and sometimes the worse takes over and almost destroys the good. But if you love someone you stay. Even if the stress nearly kills you. And somehow you get through the rough parts and start to live again.

As I've stated here before, we've been carried along on a ride to hell the last year and a half. Things have quieted down a bit outwardly but deep down inside my shattered heart has been crying to be healed. I try to function but exhaustion takes over and drags me back into the pit of darkness. I don't feel well at all and I can't seem to cope with that anymore. And no, I won't see the doctor. All she does is push prescriptions at me and I refuse to get back on that road to nowhere.

I am not a violent person. I never have been. The few times I actually spanked my kids (cowardly giving in to others' expectations that I should spank them) it hurt my soul and made me feel ashamed. I took a step back and breathed deeply and found more humane ways to help them deal with their frustrations and boredom.

I don't profess to understand people whose mental illness causes them to be violent. All I know is that it seems logical to me that these kinds of people need to be monitored somehow, maybe in an institution or unscheduled visits from the social services. (And that sounds peculiar coming from me - I've been a lifelong non-conformist that abhors any kind of government intrusion. But what can you do if you fear your family is in danger from someone who has bouts of severe and frightening insanity? And no one else seems to care or worry about that?)

Am I overreacting? I think not. I've read what this person did and I truly don't believe they paid for their crimes in any suitable way. And obviously they have no remorse or guilt over the devastation they caused because they keep repeating their cruelties. Not right now, oh, no, they are a model citizen - for the moment. But the potential for violence is there, lying just under the surface. And it scares the hell out of me.

I'm no Clint Eastwood but sometimes I still wish I was.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Simplifying My Life

I'm in the process of deleting my books from Barnes & Noble, Kobo and iTunes, as well as a few other places. They will only be available at Amazon from now on. Well, the paperbacks will still show up at Barnes & Noble but they probably won't have the newest covers. That's one reason I'm deleting them - most places can't seem to refresh the covers when I change them. Mostly, I'm just doing this to simplify my life a bit.

I was going to get rid of all the ebooks and have only paperbacks. But I suppose it's okay to keep them on Amazon. Even Yen Press has digital copies available of their light novels. And that's how I see my books - now - if I can create new covers to reflect that, I'll finally be back on the right track!